I was on the elliptical when I saw that my husband's bi-weekly XXXchurch accountability email had arrived. Jason and I had what I thought were light bouts with porn, but under the words, “the following questionable links have been looked at,” I saw a much more heartbreaking list than ever before. After clicking through a few of them, it was confirmed: My husband had a problem with porn.
Jason knew things had to change if our marriage was going to survive.
When I got myself together, I whimpered out, “tell me everything.” When he did, I realized Jason’s battle wasn’t just a battle, it was an addiction. He was looking at it on a daily basis.
I felt sick. Hurt. Betrayed. I told him I was done. I didn’t deserve to feel that way. It was the push Jason needed to finally come to terms with his addiction and do something serious about it.
I committed to journeying with him in these things. That was the beginning Jason’s road of recovery. I’ve found that although this was Jason’s problem, the solution takes both of us owning it.
I won’t sit here and say that it’s been easy and all of my trust in Jason's word is in tact, or that my identity doesn’t still suffer. There are still days I get lost in my thoughts of the different women that he has seen and struggle with feeling like a visual disappointment to him.
But we know this is a constant battle and we have to actively remain in God’s truth. Why? Because our marriage is worth it. We know depth and grace in our relationship with each other depends on the activity in our relationship with God. We've seen the negative effects when that relationship is not a priority.
For example, when I am not having regular time with the Lord or taking care of my body physically, I struggle more with comparing myself. Jason also got involved with triathlons, and did his first Ironman this year, raising $8000 for XXXchurch to not only help himself, but to help others fight the addiction.
So on the flip side, when our relationship with God and with each other is founded in His Word and truth, our marriage thrives. To us, it is worth the work.
There are also some practical things we've done, to safe guard one another, (me from fear and him from addiction):
Boundaries We've Put in Place
Adding a password on the racier ratings on TV
Internet filter/screening program
No hotels alone
Out of town accountability partner
Going to bed together
Asking tough questions with love
Praying for one another
To some, these may seem tedious and ridiculous, but they work for us and provide a stability and growth in our marriage.
Our story, as we've experienced God healing our marriage inwardly, has begun to take an outwardly effect on our lives and the world around us.
CALL TO ACTION
If you are struggling, as a single, engaged, or married guy/girl, you need community. The most effective way to overcome any struggle or stronghold in your life is through the conversation, grace, and inspiration of people around you.